WARNING: Therapeutic blogging ahead..... this post may make no sense and be an emotional vomiting of my experiences.
Okay guys....I am struggling. Without going into specific detail or giving names. I have a root of bitterness in my soul.
I look back over the generations of my family that I know personally and those I have known through stories about their life and as best I can tell this "character trait" has plagued my family for over 5 generations. Here is the tricky thing with each person down the years it has reared its head in different ways with each different personality. It comes from different sources in our life experiences but basically it is handed down as a way to cope with life's struggles. We get bitter, we stew, we hold on to it tighter than we hold to life and we lie to ourselves that it doesn't have a hold on us.
Speaking of the ones I know one generation blames his mother as a result held on to anger and resentment and no WOMAN was gonna tell him what to do or anyone else for that matter. One generation blames her father for not loving her enough, treating her like trash and the rest of the world for just not giving her a fair shake in general. Me, well... I blame someone too. I blame this person for stealing my childhood. For causing me so much pain and anguish. For never stepping up and fulfilling the role God intended. That even now this person is so selfish they would rather make decisions that send them barreling toward their grave than grow up and take responsibility.
Here is the thing though.... we are all right in some way or another. The clincher is that it doesn't matter. I can't fix this person or what they did (perceived or real) to me. I have cried, screamed, begged, blamed and in my teenage years even cursed at God to take this, heal us, remove this pain. He didn't. I see now He is using it to build my character. If he took this situation it would rear its ugly head in another way or situation down the line. These emotions have followed me my whole life and even if the person goes away the stronghold in my heart will be the open door the enemy needs to hinder my walk. If I continue to deal with this in my flesh my children will see how I handle these situations (which by the way I handle wildly inappropriately). They will internalize it and most likely one or all of them will bear this beast of burden in their own lives. I may even personally pay the consequences as they become adults.
I think of this situation and think why Lord?! You see how this person is. You see how blind and wrong and horrible they are, why don't you fix this? Today He plainly spoke to me:
" I know. this isn't about them....it is about you. I hung on the cross and as they crucified me I prayed God's forgiveness on them. You have to deal with someone mistreating you and you can't even crucify your flesh. You are hurting and can't have compassion for their hurt. You call on me but when my answer doesn't agree with your anger and bitterness you don't obey. I send my still small voice and you scream so you don't have to hear it. I send you my grace and you won't receive it. This is the rubber meeting the road. This is where you die to self and take up my cross.
And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.Luke 9:23
I have plans for you. To be a witness, to be a testimony, to raise a generation to me that is free from the curses that have plagued yours and those before you. Do the hard work and be an example to those that follow."
I seriously cried. I am still crying. I want to hate and be bitter. I don't want to let go of this hurt that is mine and rightfully so. I am entitled. Yet no, In Christ I have no rights. I was bought with a price.
1 Corinthians 7:22-24
23 Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men.
24 Brethren, let every man, wherein he is called, therein abide with God.
I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ lives in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.This root is keeping me from growing in God because when I am tilling my heart and breaking up my fallow ground when I come to this I negotiate around it. I never get at the root and it keeps growing rotten fruit that taints the whole garden of my testimony.
I have no idea what I will do. I have no idea how I will get beneath the soil and break up this root and remove it. I have no choice. If I don't my children will pay the price. I will pay the price for not heeding God's word for me. I can't control this person that knows just the right buttons. I can't make them choose the right way or help themselves. I can't change the way they relate to me or try and manipulate me.
I can see it for what it is. I can call on God every step of the way for the grace He wants to give me...
here is the verse again:
Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. Hebrews 12:15.
I can teach my children by example that life is hard but you control your response. I can teach them you can't control what others do or say. You can't hate or be bitter because someone does you wrong. I suppose for most this is common sense. That is the thing about a root of bitterness though. It stunts your growth in that area and blinds you to your own immaturity. Only God and his word can awaken you.
But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you,
28 Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.
29 And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also.
30 Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again.
31 And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.
32 For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them.
33 And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same.
34 And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again.
35 But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil.
36 Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful.
37 Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:
I won't be perfect. I won't do the right thing every time. I believe though that God has spoken this to me to break a bond and a curse. I am ready to do the work and go through the growing pains to serve Him where He leads. I have to for my salvation and for my children I can't let this affect or infect me anymore. This dear person may die and worse die not serving God because of their decisions but I can't fix it. I can pray and do what I can and leave the rest. I can stop relinquishing my power and my right standing with God by my reactions. I can choose a better way and hopefully pass the blessings that come from obedience to my children instead of the curse of bitterness and disobedience. Please sisters PRAY for me.. I don't know if anyone else has had these issues of wanting to forgive but holding onto bitterness for dear life even when you know He is calling you to much higher an obligation. If you comment I will pray for you!!! What I do know is He said he would be with us all the way..
6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deut 31:6
Bless you and may you feel His presence each day.