When I became pregnant again toward the end of 2009. I knew I wanted to try for a vaginal birth this time because I had talked to several mom's who had experienced a vbac (vaginal birth after cesarean). So when I returned to the OB I had used with my previous birth I just knew this time would be different. I went in to the office and explained all I had learned and that I wanted a vbac. He began to explain to me very detachedly that having a vbac was too dangerous for me and the baby and that it was not an option if I wanted to continue my care with him. That the hospital he delivered at did not allow vbac's that is how dangerous it was. That this child due June 21st would have to be scheduled for at least June 17th for an "elective" cesarean.
I did not understand how something I didn't want could be called elective. He went on to explain that if I happened to go in to labor not to panic just call them and that if I was to arrive at the hospital about to deliver and all seemed okay they would go ahead and deliver the baby vaginally. WHY OH WHY did that not register to me?! He was telling me it was too dangerous to attempt but if it happens well.... it'll be okay. I blindly followed his every direction. I was devastated. I was frightened to try and find another caregiver. To build trust, report, history etc. with someone else and he was trying to protect me from danger after all. If I found someone else what kind of doctor would in good conscience put me or my child in danger.
The day came that I had not gone into labor and I went in to surgery. Most of that day was a blur. I went in that morning only to be told there were no beds and I'd have to come back later. They called me later that evening and I returned and walked in make-up on hair done got in a gown and got my spinal block. Grace was born and barely shown to me they handed her to my husband shortly and then took her to the nursery. They had all been talking about how understaffed and overextended they were. The drugs they had given me were making me shake uncontrollably. I was shivering but burning up and feeling like I couldn't move my arms. I laid in my bed with my husband, friend and pastor waiting on them to bring my beautiful daughter to me.
A nurse came in to tell me she was fine but her body temperature was low and they were keeping her in a warmer for about thirty minutes to get her warmed. We waited and tried to converse as I shook and ached for my baby ready to bond and nurse and meet this beautiful blur of a child. FOUR hours later they still had not brought me my daughter! I called and explained skin to skin contact with my daughter would also help her with a low body temp and they would bring her to me or else!!! That I didn't believe she had a temperature problem they just didn't have anyone to bring her to me. That I heard the nurses talking about how all the beds were full and they were understaffed! Needless to say she was in my arms within minutes. This was the first time I stood my ground and let the "professionals" know this wasn't my first rodeo either.
I don't remember very much of that day. I still have to read her baby book to remember what time she was born. I felt as if I didn't even have her. I struggled to feel connected to her. I loved her with every cell in my body but I lacked that alert eye to eye soul bonding connection with her (you know the one) until she was quite a bit older. Now she is definitely a mama's girl and we are very close and I am so grateful. I kept a smile, showed her to those who had waited hours to meet her and tried not to dwell on those things. After all as they say all that was important is that she was here and healthy...... right?